Saturday 31 July 2010

Actuaries anonymous

I read this in a magazine this week - smart story:

Two first year university students who have been getting A symbols in actuarial science all year decide to go on a party weekend before the final exam.

The extended fun and a massive hangover cause the students to miss the all-important exam.

The next day they beg the lecturer for a re-write and state that they would have made the exam but they had an unexpected flat tyre.

The lecturer is not all that convinced but writes out two identical tests and sends the students to two separate rooms.

The first question, for five marks, asks about complex annuities.

The second question, for 95 marks, asks: which tyre was it?

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Wednesday 28 July 2010

Older dogs... God bless them!

I read this on the Web - it was too good not to share:

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?'

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Sunday 25 July 2010

Purpose strikes again !

Every so often I start thinking about one of my favourites words, er, subjects: purpose.

At IS we were given the opportunity to go out there and prove ourselves - delighting people is a great feeling, but how do you get a chance to do that? Why would a company trust you to look after them? Now, when you were selling something like Internet connectivity, we had a powerful in. This is something everyone needed and wanted, and so many doors were opened, and many bonds were formed.

We did in fact get a chance to look after people and delight them. Yes, the Internet gave us a strong in. We were out there, day and night, proving our professionalism and integrity at so many leading companies. And now, with LifeFundi, because there is no cost to a company for rolling this out, we have another strong in - we have been given another chance to go out there and prove ourselves again - is an exciting proposition to a buzzing company, and basically a no brainer. A Trojan Horse, to get in the door, and build a bridge. And we are building day and night!

I remember how, when I was active in IS, selling and networking and begging and persuading, people used to ask us about our bandwidth. I always scratched my head and said "The bandwidth we throw that in for free - we are selling trust!"

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Tuesday 20 July 2010

Pole position

I read this on the Web - it is too good:

Polish Test

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Sunday 18 July 2010

Credit Cards

A friend of mine sent this to me - it was too good not to share:

Cancel your credit card before you die!

Now some people are really stupid! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.' Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help..'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Thursday 15 July 2010

Death by Natural Causes

A friend of mine in the US sent this to me - it was too good not to share:


An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: 'Because that's all the ammunition we had.' Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what!

The coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied "when you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Saturday 10 July 2010

Pico point

I have been collecting magic tricks of late. You see, I got these 4 young nephews and one of them is a budding magician. And so, as the special uncle I am meant to be, magic seems to be the order of the day. I have been having quite a bit of fun searching for acts of hocus pocus on my various travels, and I am enjoying building this new collection, but the one thing that has really captured people's imaginations is my new tiny Pico portable projector - now this is a party trick of note!

It looks like a cell phone, it feels like a cell phone, it has a cell phone looking battery, but it is not cell phone. It is a cinema in your pocket. Simply switch it on, and suddenly every blank wall is a movie theater. The image quality is stunning and the battery carries quite a charge. It is also comes with a built-in speaker. Still images, movie files, PowerPoint Presentations - this is quite a machine!

Yes, this little baby is incredible - with this digital monster I am armed and ready for action. Going to customers with these new device has been so much fun. I got it the week before last and I can't stop playing. And when I show my nephews next week they are going to think I am David Copperfield. This is a seriously cool piece of digital magic. It comes with a micro flash drive and I got an 8 gig card and loaded it up - I put on our latest Randgo and LifeFundi presentations, and when I go to ABSA in 10 days time this little magic show is coming with me. It will be in my pocket, like a cell phone, and when I whip it out, they are going to be amazed.

From what I have been hearing and reading, the next generation of cell phones coming out in 2011 will have this kind of thing built in. Just imagine. You want to show somebody something new and fresh on the web, well, you whip out your phone, fire up a browser, go online, and presto, you project an image on the wall, and voila!

I love this new world, but one crazy thing is definitely going to happen. Think about this: you are in a family restaurant, and the next thing someone starts projecting some porn on the ceiling. This new device makes those annoying red laser points look like nothing. We are talking a whole new wave of visual noise pollution - yeah, a lot of crazy fun is coming!

Viva Pico viva!

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Saturday 3 July 2010

Wow, listen to this guy!

I am sure a lot of you have seen this before.

I watched it a while back, and then again, this week gone by. A friend of mine sent me the link and I was inspired all over again. Not so much by Steve Jobs, or his crazy life story, but just by a few of the words he so carefully put together. Yes, around minute 12 I was proper excited for those last few beats:

"... your time is limited, so don't waste it living somebody else's life; don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking; don’t let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice; and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition - they somehow already know what you truly want to become - everything else is secondary ..."

And of course, his closing, from the Whole Earth Catalogue:

"stay hungry stay foolish"

History is always told to us by the victors, and Mr. Jobs certainly is a winner. Yes, I know the cynics out there will have the usual chirps "it is easy for him to say", and I don't disagree. But I love these lines above, and I really dig this speech. I must listen to it at least once a year, as a reminder.

Well said Steve Jobs, crazy stories and all!

Posted by Ronnie Apteker