Rude dude

Now I know this one is out there, but I got it sent to me by a mate and when I read it I fell on the floor – I had to share it, rude and all.

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

*Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist.

Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Easy for you to say

I got this from a friend the other day - it was too good not to share :

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Jerusalema in the US

I see the trailer for Jerusalema is now on the Apple site - check it out :

http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/gangsterparadisejerusalema/

Next month our film will be released in a group of arthouse cinemas in America - check it out indeed!

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Too cool for school - part 27

I got this on some blanket mail from a friend of mine - some funny things here - had to be shared.

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of Politicians give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Fun in the winter sun

A friend of mine sent me this - it was too good not to share:

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why do we buy hamburgers in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal.

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

What is a lie?

Asking what a lie is, is a full-of-shit question - a lie is a lie - simple as that. There shouldn't be any confusing the truth from a lie. Read on.

So, here is a story; a common story. A guy says to me the phone last week that he was going to mail me after we finished speaking and connect me with this other person, a colleague of his. We spoke on the phone for about 20 minutes, and it was the 3rd time I had spoken to this man, who I have never met. He was put on to me by a prospective client of ours on LifeFundi.com who told me that he was keen to see what we were developing. So I called this man, and he sounded like a nice guy on the phone, but, I never got the mail after our call, or later that day, or even a week later. I have subsequently dropped him a follow-up mail, and a gentle reminder asking him when I can expect that mail, and still nothing. Now, is this man a liar?

This happens so often – people don’t do what they say they are going to do. Are they liars? Well, what is a lie? Surely if someone says something and they don’t do it then they are lying? How many times have you heard "I am just on another call and I will call you right back" only to hear nothing. Is it just me? Perhaps my expectations are too high.

How can you trust a person who doesn't do what they say they are going to do. I mean, you can't trust people who lie. And if someone says something, and then doesn't do it, then they are untrustworthy?! To call them liars sounds so hardcore, but, what else do we call them? Full of shit!?

This is all so commonplace in this high-tech age. In fact, it's almost default behaviour these days. Probably because cellphones and email make it so easy to say what you don't really mean, and to carry on communication without ever having to address someone face-to-face. I would much prefer it though if I know where I stand. I certainly don't ever tell people I will do something and then just forget about after the phone hangs up.

Life used to be so much simpler! And so was the definition of a lie. That fact that people would say it is too harsh to call someone who "forgets" to do something a liar just takes us one step closer to a world where selfishness and greed are the dominant traits of a civilized society. Scary!

And speaking of lies, I read this in the Sunday Times this past weekend : http://www.timeslive.co.za/lifestyle/article448203.ece/30LIES-people-TELL

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Jerusalema

My film making partners recently concluded an American distribution deal for Jerusalema. This is very very exciting! The film will come out in theatres in the US by July.

The film has be renamed Gangster's Paradise: Jerusalema for the American market, and there should be a US oriented trailer coming out on Apple.com soon, so check it out!

You can also check out the trailer on YouTube :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKCYuLIn12I

The distributors over there have launched a new web site for the film : www.gangstersparadisejerusalema.com

If you have any friends in America then please tell them not to miss this - all eyes on are going to be on South Africa from next month because of the World Cup Football, so the timing is good.

I am holding thumbs!

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

I Owe My Mother So Much

A friend of mine send this to me - it was too good not to share.

Happy mother's day!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

June is around the corner

We have begun a very exciting revamp of the Vottle website! We have spent much time over the last few months analyzing the functionality and ease of use of the site, together with a group of web design experts.

Our aim: to tweak the layout and functionality of the site with the goal of making it cleaner, sleeker and generally more user friendly.

While the majority of changes will appear to be visual, there will also be some subtle but important functional changes to make the site more intuitive. These include remodeling the way adverts are published to certain regions, ultimately making relevant content easier to find. We will also mean reducing the number of clicks and pages necessary to perform certain functions, like logging in, posting adverts and so on, all to improve the overall user experience.

Layout changes will ensure that only relevant content is shown on certain pages thereby making the site both faster and more user friendly, and some content reshuffling will take place to maximize exposure of content that is more important, thereby promoting the posting and upgrading of adverts as well as increasing the number of responses to existing ads. We will also gradually be doing some housekeeping on our categories and other content to ensure there is no unnecessary clutter on the site.

While Vottle has constantly evolved with new features since its inception, this is essentially the first major overhaul of the web site in its entirety. We are putting all the knowledge we have gained over the last few years to good use to produce a smart new look.

The first major rollout is due at the end of this month.

We are also currently exploring an interesting idea with the STAR Classifieds.

Stay tuned!

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

The King

I was reading the paper this weekend and there was this small article about Larry King and his latest divorce. Yes, it sounds like this cat has been married many times.

So the story went on to say that he was cheating on his wife and now they are getting divorced.

Mr. King was 26 years older than his wife and in an interview once he was asked if he felt anxious about marrying a woman who is 26 years his junior. He replied “If she dies, she dies.”

Classic!

Posted by Ronnie Apteker

Punctuation

A friend sent this to me - I liked it and thought it was worth sharing :

An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing"

On the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Posted by Ronnie Apteker